In the Doghouse
That’s me. Resident of the dog house. Sometimes I swear my life is like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Remember my neighbors, the ones we like a lot who throw this big Halloween shindig every year? Well, Saturday night is said party, we have our costumes and are ready to roll.
Dad calls me this week, “Bill, I have 4 tickets to the Ohio State Minnesota game, section 26A — high row. Me, Oz (my uncle), Dune (Al Milton, my pseudo brother who was Cris Carter’s QB in high school–true story) and you. “
“I’m in.”
No, I’m dead is more like it.
It’s a 3:30 kickoff, so I figure I could get back by 7:00 maybe 7:30 at the latest, plenty of time to go to the party. Huge mistake on my part. Mary explains to me that the party starts at 5:00. I ask why we need to go at 5:00. Only those with nothing else to do go to a party the minute it starts. This is a late night party, what’s wrong with 7?
Everything, it seems.
“We’ll have to go separately because I’m going at no later than 5:30 and I’ll feel like a fool going just with Ashley.”
“But it’s the OHIO STATE GAME! 26A! High row! FREE TICKETS”
I am then asked what event would possibly prevent me from missing an OSU game…aside from a death in the family.
At this I pause.
“Invasion of atomic locusts?”
Well, that didn’t go over as well as I thought, and in order to prevent a complete meltdown, I acquiesce and tell her I’ll pass on the tickets (my father is flabbergasted at this), but that my ass will in fact be rooted to the couch at 3:30 when the ball is kicked off. TIVO won’t cut it.
Now, hopefully it’s a blowout by the 4th quarter so I can mosey on over to the party around 6 without fear of missing anything noteworthy.
So, keep an eye on the OSU/Minny game this Saturday. If you see a close game in the 4th, you know that things are not groovy at Casa de Abner. Actually, assume that I back down and put on a Pharoah costume and TIVO the rest of the game, which I’m sure some asshat will tell me what happens the minute I get to the party.
I think I’m screwed either way.
October 25th, 2006 at 5:38 pm
If you are gonna get in trouble anyway, might as well go the whole hog and go to the game, rather than get grief because you were slumped on your own couch watching it on TV.
PS - I am posting this safe in the knowledge that I am too far away for your wife to come round and butcher me..hopefully.
October 25th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
Buck up and miss the game like a (married) man.
Take solace in that it is only Minnesota, the team that couldn’t manage anything better than flipping Wisconsin’s “W” upside down for a helmet logo.
October 25th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
I think you better get a lot of make up sex. It’s a wifely duty thing, considering the sacrifice you just made.
Man the 20 year old Bill wouldn’t sit for this. Didn’t you think that maybe you could have left in the 3rd quarter if it was a blow out?
October 26th, 2006 at 9:16 am
Left the game??
No. If you go to the OSU game, and if you are an alum, you must stay until the team sings Carmen Ohio to the band at the conclusion of the game. Everyone knows that.
Flatus, yeah, I told her she should be thankful that it was only the Minny game.
Dave, her reach is long, be careful.